Thursday, May 22, 2014

Frayed but Clinging to God

A beautiful couple we met when we were in Haiti on our first bonding trip to meet the boys experienced the homecoming of their lifetime tonight! With huge grins on their faces and two adorable Haitian boys in their arms, they greeted the people from their community that have been praying them through on their journey. With tears of great gratitude and thankfulness to God, I am so happy that they were able to move through their adoption without any delays. These boys will begin a new chapter in their with bedtime kisses, huge high fives and a mommy and daddy to love them through all of life's moments! I am so happy for them.

I hate the huge lump in my throat in the midst of my tears of joy. I hate the questions that surface in my mind. I chase them away only to have them resurface. Why, Lord? Why. Why so many delays...and right at the end? This has been the longest nine months of my life. I don't think that I have ever been more raw emotionally.

I am not one bit angry at the Lord. I know that He wins in the end. I know that the delays are not orchestrated by Him. I know that He will use this to create something beautiful. I just don't feel at this moment that I am feeling very beautiful in the midst of my pain.

I move through my days trying to keep my focus on the present. I have such a beautiful family of five home with me. I have the incredible privilege of loving and being there for them each and every day. My loving husband and my adorable children are my everything...almost. You see...that is it. I find joy with them in all of the little things. Watching Aftyn and Haley hug last night...the best of friends sharing the first days of their summer together, cheering on Aiden as he nailed the baseball at tonight's game, giving snuggles and soft kisses as we said our prayers and I tucked the kids in to bed tonight. Precious. I soak up every moment.

But tonight, Craig is away on business. Once the lights were out and the sweet dreams begun for the kids, this Mama's heart began to ache. It is just me now. Me and my broken heart. You see, I want for my boys to be home with every fiber of my being. It is a breath-stopping, chest-aching, throat-clenching, head-pounding sort of pain. After tucking in Aiden, I walk past the twins' bedroom. I glance in and see their names on the wall, the stuffed animals in the bin, and the Haitian Bible on their dresser. By myself tonight, I let myself cry.

I hate to even write that, and I am tempted to erase this post, but it is true. I want people to see the beauty in adoption because it is truly beautiful. However, the reality is that our world has caused parts of adoption to be truly painful.

We wait...and wait...and wait. We give the same responses...over and over and OVER again! Oh, how I long to be able to tell the first person that our file has been approved for Visas, and we are planning our homecoming. There are days when it feels like that day is never going to come...but I know in my lonely mama's heart that it is.

We were told last Monday that our paperwork was going to be picked up and would be turned in to USCIS by last Friday. Hmmm....well, that never happened. Thursday came and surprise!!!  I guess our adoption decree attestation was not ready yet. I guess they must have overlooked that on Monday when they told us that it was ready. Arrrgh....such disappointment!

I don't like how that news broke my heart and filled me so full of anger in that moment. I have been wrestling with doubt, anger and pain ever since that moment. I can hear the Holy Spirit giving me words of encouragement. Reminding me that God is in control and He has this! Then the pain rises up and my heart wrenches all over again. I have asked for my ladies' bible study to pray for me, pray for our family, pray for the twins, pray that this insanity will stop and the boys will come home.

This week we have not received any updates of progress. We did get a few sweet pictures of the boys from our agency and from the family that just came home today...but no news of progress.

We have notified our international adoption counselor that we absolutely need this to be our LAST submission to USCIS. Our documents NEED to be correct. Our hearts simply can't keep going on like this. Will we give up?  NEVER, but are we pressing hard for accuracy and finality? YES.

We are having another lawyer look at our paperwork prior to being submitted this time. Please pray that the director of our orphanage will turn our paperwork over to him. Please pray that there will be no errors, but that if there are, that he will find them and they will be fixed quickly.

Please also pray for patience in our long-suffering. I need your prayers every day! I truly don't know where I would be without them. I can feel my heart struggling with the spiritual nature of this battle. I need all of my prayer warriors in FULL force right now. I have seen Craig struggling a bit more

 too. He is amazingly strong...and I know that he somehow manages much better than I do, but the edges of his emotions are beginning to fray as well. As for me, I am just strings held together by your prayers.

If you get a chance and can send me prayers, call me to pray with me, or drop by and pray over me or our would mean so much to me. If you know of another family going through adoption, domestic or international...pray with them. This is a battle, and you all can help us to win the fight. I think it is more about the spiritual battle than the paperwork battle.

Frayed but Clinging to God,


  1. Rebecca,
    I, too, am an emotionally-frayed mother adopting from Haiti. We, also, are adopting two boys (full brothers, but not twins). We have been in this process almost THREE years. We have had multiple delays too. Our longest a 14-month wait on the "president's desk" only to find out our papers were never sent to the president's office. Gratefully, we are now past that. We received word last week that our boys' files are in passports, but that MOI is closed down while they fix a problem with their system. Hmmmm... do we really think the system needs fixing? (Yes, that is sarcasm). Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for your posts. Each time I read them, I say outloud "That's me! That is exactly how I am feeling." It's nice to know I'm not really going crazy with grief, anger, doubt, fears all while trying to trust in the God I love and in his perfect timing (that sometimes feels so unperfect to me). Please know you are not alone... I pray for you, a stranger I've never met, but connected in this beautiful, heart-wrenching process of adoption. Blessings, Tonia

  2. Praying for your family both near and far! Christy