Thursday, August 8, 2013

A Longing Heart

It has been a tearful day and I wrote this letter to share with the boys someday and thought it might give some insight into where my heart is right now as I am becoming weary of this long wait. We continue to pray for the twins' passports to be issued. We know that God's timing is perfect and on some level, I have complete faith in that timing...yet on a purely emotional heart which hasn't been whole since I parted with the boys in Haiti is hurting more than I would like to admit. Today I was visiting with a stranger on the phone and completely broke down into sobs. I am quite certain that when she asked me a payroll question for work, she didn't expect to hear an emotionally unglued waiting adoptive mom on the other end of the phone! That was just one of the five times I found myself sobbing today. Hopefully this won't become a trend, but as raw as I am feeling might all want to brace yourselves for my response if you inquire about the adoption. Have your Kleenex ready.

We were told that the reason for the delay in this step was due to a question regarding Judah's birth certificate. We were not told about the specific reason. We were also told that we could expect to have the passports issued either last week or this week. Well, no news so far. Tomorrow is Friday...and I suppose that might have prompted the tears. The director of the orphanage is in the states right now and because of that, we are not likely going to be hearing anything this week. So we wait and continue to pray. Please pray for peace and comfort. Pray that the boys might make it home before their second birthday on October 5th! It might break my heart completely if we miss that milestone together! Thank you so much for your faithfulness in prayer. We love you all and treasure you more than you will ever know!


Elijah and Judah-                     
This has been a difficult day, and I suppose that is why it is a perfect day for writing a love letter to my precious twins. We are currently in the passport phase of the process and are waiting for the documents to be issued. It is supposed to take 2-4 weeks and we are on week 15 and continuing to wait! Oh my sweet boys. My heart completely aches for you today. I don’t understand sometimes why this process is taking so long, but I am thankful that in the end we will be together.

As we have moved through the adoption process, my emotions have been all over the place. I have been moved to tears of joy through excitement over seeing the pictures of your sweet faces at referral. I have had difficulty swallowing by the lump in my throat as I have pondered the difficult choice of your birth mom and dad to place you into the adoption process. I wept openly when I received news that your birth mother had died just fifteen days after parting with you. I have laughed out loud as I have seen your personalities shine through in the photos that we have received from your orphanage. I have wondered with excitement and slight apprehension what the future will bring and how much each of you will want to be involved with your birth family and your homeland. I have celebrated as our paperwork has moved forward in the process and struggled with concern over whether I will be able to juggle being a wife, raising five kids and holding down my job simultaneously. I have felt my heart swell so big I am certain it was spilling outside of me as we traveled as a family to the front steps of the orphanage and held you both for the first time. I peacefully breathed in each of your scents as I held you and cared for you in Haiti. I smiled in joy as I saw my family united for the first time and saw the beauty of a creation only God could have made. I felt my heart tear and break as a portion of it was left behind with the two of you in Haiti. Yes, my emotions have been tumultuous and rightfully so.

We have since traveled back to see you again and the moments we had together at the orphanage were beyond words. I will treasure those moments together forever. All of these emotions continue to cycle through me as the process continues. One day I am filled with joy and anticipation; the next weeping with longing for you. Logic says that we will be together soon and the sea will no longer separate us. We have no concept of when our family will be complete, but I am filled with a love for you that will not allow anything to stand in the way of this future.

I promise to love you with all of my heart, to tend to your needs and to kiss your scraped knees. Your hungry tummy will be filled with food made with love and there is a sweet room waiting just for you! I promise that I will pray with you at night and continue to pray for you and your future even after you are sleeping. I long to be with you and to help you learn how to love Jesus and be a strong man like your daddy. I will give you endless hugs and tender snuggles just when you need them. You have my heart and I love you, my precious boys!

A longing heart,


1 comment:

  1. Oh, dear Rebecca...My heart aches with you tonight as I feel the longing in your words. Your heart is 3/5ths need two little boys home with you to fill it to overflowing. I don't know what God is trying to teach you - you school me many times over in your patience and waiting on the Lord's timing. All I know is that someday, his plan may be revealed. But, in the meantime, Brad and I will continue to lift you all fervently up in prayer, and the boys as well. We know we feel the prayers across the miles and know you will as well. Our hearts are tender as yours tonight...wish we could be there to hug you close. Praying for you, especially tonight - and praying God will move mountains in the next few days. Love you all.